1.coming to us 可改为“around the corner,upon us,drawing near''更地道
2.I would like to tell you my holiday first改为I’m writing to share my happy holidays.
3.go to 改为attend
4.太复杂了加一点连接词,如：you know,as a result,in all,what's more,to sum up,in addition,moreover,next,then,at last.
5.句式太少,不要只以你为主语,可多用些物,时间eg:shenyang has seen the coming of the olympic games.
6.你的单词量挺大