第1段
draw attention to 这个短语很少用被动,别扭.改成given attention 稍好一些
various 用得有问题.估计你是不想总用different 想换换花样吧.但various 的含义是“多样”的,下文只提供了两方对立观点,实在谈不上“多样”.
第2段
主题句里的it 指代不明.如果找到上文去,it 实际代的是很多家长送孩子上艺术班这一现象.而“现象”和should be done 显然不搭.改成...think it a good idea to send their children 虽然语言上不甚出彩,但好歹没有大错.
become 的完成时还是become 你应该是笔误了.
become 和no longer 的意思有所重叠.要么说 They are no longer poor(其实这样也不太对) ,要么说 they become richer.如果是我,我会写成they are in better economic conditions than before.
Secondly 这一点,内容上其实说的是艺术班火爆现象的原因,而不是从标题上每个家长选择艺术班的原因,跑题了.其实可以换个角度写：因为艺术班种类多样（various 用在这里很合适）,所以可以 develop some benefitial interst for individual children.
itch to do sth.这个表达我没见过,也没有查到,所以不确定意思上是否合适.
第3段
第二句应该时态应该还是现在时啊,笔误又一个,可惜.
对健康的影响不明显,要么解释一下怎么影响健康,要么干脆不要写健康.
结尾
完全没看懂.就算是借鉴范文也不能借鉴这种让人摸不到头绪的.试着给你写一个吧.
Both ideas make sense to certain extent and the parents should consider the specific conditions of their children before they make the decision.After all,it is their basic hope to make their children well-rouded people.