I also like to go shopping,-->去掉also,这是你第一次说自己喜欢什么
Learning English is very important and very funny for me-->
..and such a fun to me（funny更倾向于好笑,滑稽.介词用to）
Also,I'm looking forward to travel to South Korea.-->去掉also,前面有too,而且说的是同一个话题,不需要用also
Form the time I was little-->At the time when I was little,或When I was little
the people would tell me-->people told me so(后面不要直接引语)
do myself-->根据你想表达的意思改,这个说法不对
power -->根据想表达的意思使用一个正确的形容词,这是名词
always meet failure-->we will fail from time to time
be myself is the most important-->because be myself is the most important thing to do
Every one -->Everyone
Every one has dream besides me.But I want to be myself-->
想说什么?做自己也不一定没有梦想,话不应该这样说
如果这是演讲稿,少用从句和分词短语,多用短句,但要理清楚逻辑关系,以及各部分的连贯和承接.比如I am a girl,who is 13 years old,studying..
这句,尽量分成几个短句.如果是写信,也要求口语化一点,自我介绍的时候这样用从句不太好,好像是在介绍别人.
另,of Junior 2.改成second grade of ...school.因为middle school已经表达了junior的意思.也可以参照美国k12教育体系,算是8年级,8th grade